The theory of “Attachment”, or how we relate to others and ourselves based on our internal world, is one of THE most basic, yet crucial theories that show how these beliefs formed in our first few years of life, underlie the thoughts and feelings that shapes our lives throughout adulthood and through our work, relationships, our health and friendships.
The book, God and Attachment, sums up the basis of attachment in these two very well simplified questions that our early life teaches us, and thus forms our attachment style.
- Am I worthy?
- Can I trust others?
So then, if the parenting of our younger years is done properly (let’s be serious, no one does it 100% – we are looking for the “good enough” parent) AND if we do not experience any trauma from the outside world beyond this, then our attachment styles become secure, and the answers to these questions are:
- I am worthy.
- I can generally trust others.
Now, let’s say for the sake of discussion, that the parent can’t or won’t do the “good enough” job, and developing the positive answers to these two questions is not the case. The experts call this “little t trauma”. The outcome is a child with what they call an insecure attachment style, with an insecure way of relating to the outside world and to their family, friend, future spouse and probably children.
Why is this so important? The quality of life suffers. There is a tendency to see less overall positive relationships in an insecurely attached person’s life. There are higher chances for and numbers of divorces, more rigid personalities, less ability to forgive, power and/or control issues, painful internal stories, abusive behaviors, individuals that are more likely to tolerate abuse, a tendency to take other’s actions more personally than necessary, higher mental health issues, higher crime levels and even more health problems/ disease (especially auto-immune) and a shorter life span. I have included a video below, that talks more about how insecure attachment impacts our health over a lifetime. With insecure attachment styles, you also see more individuals with poor boundaries, unhealthy coping mechanisms, black and white thinking, enmeshment (considering your child to be an extension of yourself, and vice versa), co-dependency and addictions issues in families. These individuals will constantly be acting out of fear and survival based mentalities.
These “insecure” attachment styles are defined as: Anxious-Ambivalent, Avoidant/ Dismissive Avoidant, and Disorganized/Fearful Avoidant. Each has a different answer to our 2 attachment questions.
Alternatively, let’s say the parents are able to be a secure base that is always calm and centered, consistently available/present, respectful, kind, acknowledges pain/wounds and emotions, is sensitive but firm in directing the child and teaching them about how to process inner experiences, and they hold firm but not rigid boundaries. The children grow to trust their parents to be physically and emotionally available for them, and they learn that all emotions are acceptable, manageable and pass with time which then increases their ability to self regulate. They trust their parents instead of fearing them. As a result of this secure base and attachment, they feel confident in exploring the outside world, are flexible in their thinking, assertive in expressing the thoughts/feelings in their body, and are respectful of others. They understand that most of people’s responses or actions are more about them than us. These kids grow up to be reasonably happy adults, with successful relationships and typically longer lifespans and overall, a better quality of life. We call this attachment style “secure”. Being or becoming securely attached won’t promise a pain-free life, but it does change the internal experience of pain and how you process things, which leads to a better chance at a more positive outward experience.
Now, let’s flip this to some faith talk. Isn’t it interesting that faith centered individuals have been documented to typically have longer life spans? I don’t think it’s a coincidence. I have read plenty that how we relate to God is through “Daddy Goggles” – essentially saying that our relationship with God can be limited through the lens of our attachment style. To an extent, yes, I think this is true. However, I think in being our secure figure, and through the work of the Holy Spirit, He transforms us into healing from our insecure attachment and takes us into a more secure way of seeing ourselves, the world, Him and others. God, in a sense, “re-parents” us. Through the work of the Holy Spirit, we are unintentionally becoming “Earned Secure” individuals. Funny, considering we don’t even realize that it’s happening.
Can people become “Earned Secures” apart from Christ? Yes, absolutely they can, and I know people that have. Some get tired of the pain experienced in life, and go on the journey on their own to address their attachment style. Others find themselves in therapy with an effective therapist that acts as a secure figure in helping them challenge their thoughts, and becoming more secure. Some of it comes to it through maturity and emotional intelligence, and through our own thoughts and life experiences. Others may happen across a Securely Attached partner and in that relationship become more secure. A majority of people don’t change though.
It is also important to note, that while you come into the world and form an initial attachment of how you relate, attachment within relationships is also “built” over time, and in that, change can happen. This is how attachment style relating within a relationship can start to shift if both parties are willing to do the work of addressing old wounds.
I would also not judge the quality of a relationship, or the people in it as “secure” based on the longevity. The truth is, people stay together for many reasons, outside of their partner or spouse, whether or not they are truly miserable. In these cases, we see the consequences in other areas of life – in the outcome of our kids, the disease or shorter lifespans we have, and other quality of life measurements. What is true, is that the chances of a truly intimate and interdependent, balanced quality relationship that meets a reasonable balance of needs and wants on both sides, is much more likely to occur where there is at least one, if not two securely attached partners, OR two insecurely attached partners that are willing to do the inner work.
I have spent countless hours of my own time, in secular resources learning how to become an Earned Secure myself – and I fully intend on writing about it here in this blog in later posts – but I have also heard stories, and experienced the transformation of becoming more secure through Christ, where it truly just makes no sense at all how I would have ever come to these conclusions on my own, without the Spirit’s leading and revelation.
Our attachment impacts the way we do or don’t do conflict, our ability to be aware of and experience emotions, the way we consider another’s needs (or don’t) alongside of our own, the way we do or don’t express our needs & wants inside a relationship, and ultimately, in my own opinion, makes us more selfish if we are insecure because the state of insecurity is a painful place to be, and pain makes us selfish. This pain, and insecurity leads to fears – fears regarding intimacy, abandonment, loss, trusting others and ourselves. It’s out of pain, and fear of pain, that we act in self interest. We act out of survival, and old stories. The bible says there is no fear in love – and I believe that this is why. Love is wanting what is best for the other person, not acting in self-interest out of fear and wounds.
It is important to note that these things exist on a spectrum, and that you may fall into one category, but have some tendencies of another. See below for a graph.
As my good friend told me during my divorce, we are all always going to be “bent” a certain way. I do agree, and so that for us insecurely attached, is the battle ground in our hearts and minds. As we fight this battle, we are not alone. God is working in us, and for us.
The biggest thing you can do to transform the trajectory of your life, and your kids’ lives, is to come to understand your attachments style, and to become more self aware. Or better yet, to change it – or even better yet again, partner with God to change it.
More Than You Can Ask For Blog 