Lately, I see grief everywhere.
I went to go get blood taken this past week. The phlebotomist said I was a doppelganger to his old sister in law. He said it was a shock at first, because she had died. She passed away at age 38, 4 years ago from stomach cancer. I am 32. I googled stomach cancer upon leaving, just to be sure (I was a little creeped out). He told me his brother was still really messed up from it, and had tried dating someone once, but the kids wouldn’t accept her. He then told me, “See, if it were me, I would want my wife to be happy.” I agreed. It was yet another reminder, that grief is common, and grief is everywhere, and grief is still hard. Let me share some more…
After my first husband left, me and demanded a divorce – a friend who is about 10 years older told me, “this kind of stuff happens all the time.” Grief spotted.
My Grandfather Walter lost his mom at age 2 (his dad remarried). Grief spotted again.
My Grandmother Caroline lost her dad when she was in high school and dropped out to care for her father. Grief spotted thrice.
A former partner of mine lost his first wife to cancer, and his mom lost one of her parents too. Grief spotted once more.
One of my most beloved online friends lost her mother when she was younger. Grief, once again.
I just found out another friend lost her dad at 18 in a car crash. Ugh, grief again.
My friends are starting to get cancer. It’s scary. Grief!
Mothers day for the childless or the abandoned. Grief.
I’ve lost close friends too young. It still feels shocking. Grief.
I went to a wine fest, and met a man who lost his late wife, and also his mother to cancer. Grief.
I had an old boss who lost 2 wives to ovarian cancer. Grief.
A coworker is losing his mom. More grief.
My friends are going through divorces, some of their kids pitted against eachother in the divorce. Oh grief!
Other divorces, where the kids who are acting out because they miss both parents. More grief.
Grief , Grief Everywhere.
When the pandemic came around, I had a talk with someone at work, who pointed out that perhaps COVID was like death or divorce – you don’t think it will ever happen to you. Exactly.
We think grief is uncommon, but it’s common. I feel it in breakups, in moving forward in life, and in transitions of any kind. It can drown you. The bible talks about how there is nothing new under the sun. Yet, we believe that our suffering and our grief, no one could ever understand.
Suffering has a way of isolating us. Of lying to us and telling us that our lives are irreparable and that our best years are behind us. We spend so much of our years thinking that things will never happen to us that we lose sight of the reality that:
Bad things happen all of the time.
Loved ones are lost. People are hurt. Divorces and heartbreak happen. Marital abuse and child abuse happen. However….
Good & healing things happen all of the time too.
For all of us who have gotten stuck in this, take heart that there are many who have stepped out of the bitterness of, “how could this happen to me,” and have worked through the grief, and stepped in to a second life, borne out of trauma.
Our experiences have put us in a place for such a time as this, but they are not who we are. Once we make sense of them, or get help from those who know how to make sense of them, from those who have healed or therapists, we can resolve the fears and protections borne from trauma, and we can finally live again, but more vibrantly and fully. The scars will always be there, because memories don’t go away, but the wound will no longer hurt like it used to. At that point, we are able to love bigger and more, as we make sense of life, not less.
Here is an honest thought on moving forward and dealing with loss – it was easier without Facebook. Are you having trouble with your grief of any kind? Lose it for awhile. Why? Facebook memories. Memorial pages. Bullying. Tags.
Processing grief is an important part of healing too. In Divorce Care, they taught us to list out our losses – our primary and secondary losses, to spend time recognizing and grieiving each one. I recently learned from a book, “Just You Wait,” how to process grief in a different way too. Sowing your tears. I had been told by my pastor in previous trials to tell God about my thoughts and feelings in my divorce, but I couldn’t always bring myself to do it consistently. Trica, the writer of this incredible book, quoted from Psalm 126:5-6
Those who sow with tears
will reap with songs of joy.
Those who go out weeping,
carrying seed to sow,
will return with songs of joy,
carrying sheaves with them.
Unless we take those tears, unless we sow those tears, and tell God about our aches, our sorrow, and our devastations – we don’t find healing and joy again. I am not a journaler, but because of this, I sow my tears in pages that I write now and I have learned the power of praying for emotional healing for myself. Grief processing changes everything, and we have to do this important and hard self exploratory work.
The past is always insensitive to those who are trying to live in the present. I promise you though, keep fighting to believe this: The best is yet to come. It’s true, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Grief is everywhere, but so is healing. You just have to do the work.
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