I love my phone – and more importantly, not paying anything for my phone. Phones are generally just not an area I really want to spend my money on. However, recently after a few friends said that they could not hear me on the phone well enough, I gave in to the fact that I probably needed a new phone, and went and got one. For as cheap as I can be, I also don’t like to trade in my old phones. It has photos, and old texts…. Memories of the past that I don’t like to give up even if I will never actually look at them again. Usually the offers aren’t that great to trade in a new phone, and besides – my excuse is that it’s always a great backup.
This time though, they had a different offer for a trade in – $800. So I would be paying $13 additional dollars a month for a new phone. Say what?!?!?!? That is over half the price of my new phone. My old phone is worth that much to them? Why couldn’t I have both?!?! So I asked the clerk a bunch of questions about it, because what if I changed my mind or couldn’t get the data and texts off of it like he assured me I could? I didn’t know what I would do – I was ambivalent. $800 is a lot of money! When I got home, I discovered things like ugh, the charger block is different, I have to get a new one. The headphone jack goes in the charging port – how annoying! This phone is really bulky. But, like, it was the only non-iphone option they had, and they want to give me a lot of money for my old phone. Can I do it? Can I give the old one up? I think I will, as long as I can get the things transferred over that I need.
See, often times, when we hold onto the past in any capacity, it is because it serves a purpose to us. We hang onto old fears, old memories, old objects even – because it brings us comfort, protection, assurance, safety and has purpose. For example, I realized this year that I was actually “over” my ex husband, but I was attached and hanging onto something about it because I thought that if I remembered it and didn’t let go that I would never get hurt like that again, and never experience that again. It wasn’t until I had a moment where I saw how much it was costing me, that I confronted it and was able to move past it. A friend pointed out to me that I learned from the situation, and I could simply trust myself to not find myself in the same place again. She was right. See, the ingredient there was absorbing the lesson, and earning the trust with myself again. Because of that, the old attachment no longer served me. Was it still hard to let go of the items? Yes, but it was also freeing once I did it. It just took a lot of courage.
Now, as time goes on, I think about it differently. I’m able to let go of more objects and reminders, or even just let go of the emotional attachment to the items related to the old marriage, etc. but some of it I do still keep. The pictures – because my past matters, even if I don’t need to post it anywhere – but they aren’t in frames anymore – the past is firmly in the past for me. As I continue to unpack old boxes, I find more things, but now I look at it differently. I no longer wonder if I’m over or past my ex husband, but I can ask myself what purpose is this serving to me that I can’t let go of it? What fear is it speaking to? How is this helping me in a way that I can’t let go of it? Then I can work out if it’s still serving me or if it’s time to let go, or if I’m ready to let go of it. I think we see this when we lose anyone in our lives – divorce, death, moving, friendships ending etc.
I’ve been investing my time in something called the Personal Development School (PDS), which is a platform that teaches about attachment styles and other relational dynamics. One of the “avoidant” attachment style complexities is something they call the “phantom ex”. Thais Gibson, the founder of PDS, talks about how the phantom ex, or rather the ex the individual is not “over” is really serving a need for that person. The mind will often try to meet needs with fantasy that it can’t meet in real life. So the phantom ex is serving a purpose and pointing to unmet needs. I believe this is the same concept. When we can’t let go of something, whether it’s relationships, our past history with our parents/family, objects, a former marriage, a late spouse, traumatic experience whatever – we are trying to meet that need. The needs are just as I described above – a need for protection, to calm a fear, and sometimes it’s even to punish ourselves and then sometimes it’s a more positive need such as, that person understood me in a way this person now can’t. What I am finding is that there are steps and combinations of different steps in letting go, depending on what there is to let go of: anger, acceptance, grieving, learning from the mistakes, finding a new way to meet that need, an adjusting of perspective, self forgiveness, forgiveness and then newfound self trust and then also, trust in others.
We are often in a process of letting go, but sometimes too, we are often in a place of being stuck. Some people are good and happy being stuck – they find someone else who is as stuck as they are, friends, family or partners, and they are happy staying there. I think personally, that being stuck sucks. It takes away from vibrant and full living and meaning in the rest of your life – being stuck says that the rest of your life doesn’t matter, and you’ve lived your best life already. In this sense, the problem becomes, when the past is no longer serving us, it is then holding us back from fully investing and engaging in our present and future.
So then, when are we able to let it go? What makes us want to let go? I believe the answer is the same as when I decided to let my old phone go: when the past gets too expensive to hang onto. In the bible, there is a story of the Rich Young Ruler in Mark 10:17-27. This is a parable of a man who wants to follow Jesus, and says that he has followed the commands and wants to know what he can do to inherit eternal life. It goes like this, “Looking at him, Jesus showed love to him and said to him, “One thing you lack: go and sell all you possess and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come follow me.” However, the Rich Young Ruler couldn’t do it…. “But he was deeply dismayed by these words, and he went away grieving; for he was one who owned much property.”
Can you imagine that if Jesus looked at this man with love and said this, that there was no way he could NOT be sad that the Rich Young Ruler couldn’t give up his treasures on Earth to go be with Him in heaven with him?! The Rich Young Ruler couldn’t give up what was still serving him here on Earth, but he also didn’t perceive the kingdom of God to be valuable enough that he could let go of what was here. I believe that perceived value is just that – perception. It’s based on a lot of factors that I described above – fears, self punishment, self protection, positive needs and all that other good stuff we need to be self-aware enough to discover. Would there ever be a point that the Rich Young Ruler could give it all up and be in relationship with Jesus? Yes, maybe, but getting there is a complex and long journey. However, I do think we gravitate towards others in our lives that are at the same level. Note though, that Jesus didn’t accept a half hearted participant in his deal with the Rich Young Ruler. He wanted the guy’s whole heart.
It is clear to me that we don’t have backup plans when we commit to something, and we don’t commit without trust. So until we trust that the future and present is better than the past, and make a choice to pursue that life, we don’t move forward and we don’t let go. We pine after the past, which was supposedly our best lives – and there is no room for anything new to challenge it. It costs too much, because, what if it happens again? What if we lose again? What if I can’t trust myself again? What if I can’t trust you again? It is those fears that keep us emotionally unavailable, and unable to grasp the present reality and truly not take it for granted. It is so scary to let something go – and it takes great courage. It is hard, but it can be deeply worth it. Letting go is a process, and it’s complicated, and it’s sometimes slow occurring in layers, but it’s always worth it when we finally see what we are missing out on. When we let go, we become whole and complete people who can bear with the past, but stay in the present and get excited about the future again. I don’t think we are ever ALL fully emotionally available, but I do believe that the more people are emotionally available, the more they can fully love, fully have joy, and fully live again. That’s a life I want to be a part of. I think that’s why Jesus only takes the Rich Young Ruler if he can give up his heart for his wealth on Earth – because in the present and in whole hearted relationship with Him and with others – there is abundant LIFE.
So please – take my old phone! BYE FELICIA!
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