The first guy that I ever dated with kids was an experience. He had four of them, and this was a place where I first realized just how deep my grief was over not having a family and kids – the remnants related to the loss of my first marriage . They call this, “secondary grief,” all the little tendrils and branches connected to the main trunk of the original grief that stem off – the aftershocks of the domino effect in a sense. Kids were an awful big branch of grief for me. His kids were a reminder to me that I didn’t have any, and sometimes it was hard to interact with them because of it. However, despite the grief, I grew to love them anyways. He and I didn’t make it in the grand scheme of things, but there were things that I learned in the small moments of interacting with his kids, or him, that impacted my faith. I didn’t ever share some of these moments, but they were special to me.
One of those moments, came about after this same guy had been complaining about sleeping under flannel sheets as the weather was warming up. I don’t recall exactly why he only had flannels – I believe it was because the kids had used his sheets for sleepovers, and they disappeared over time and never got returned to the rightful places. Now, hear me on this. Life is made of the little things! Sheets are one of them. If you have ever slept in nice sheets, you likely won’t go back. Enjoying sheets are like enjoying one of those small predictable things that you can appreciate each and every day, like sunsets and cups of coffee. They are worth a little splurge for the daily enjoyment. So, despite his airing his complaints about his sheets and needing new ones, he never really got around to getting sheets. At this point in the relationship, things were really good, and I wanted to do something for him. So I got him some sheets – some nice sheets.
At first he just said thank you…. Until he put them on his bed! Then all I could hear was oohs and ahhs about how there were FOUR pillowcases, not just two, and how nice the sheets were. He went on to ask why I got him such nice sheets and that’s when I responded, “Well, you have been generous with me – so please, let me be generous with you!”
At that point, he finally joyfully accepted the gift! Now, later he told me that his youngest daughter was in the room as he was making his bed, and I guess she thought the sheets were nice too. She made a comment that she didn’t have a white pillowcase, and asked if she could have one of the four. So, of course, he gave her one and was happy to do so and tell me about it!
I say of course, like I’m some saint – but I’m not. I don’t always understand the things that go on inside of my head and my heart, and often it takes time for me to peel back the motivations… and sometimes I never fully arrive. When I heard he had given part of my gift to him away, after I knew how all the other ones disappeared, I felt conflicted and I’m being honest, frustrated. I started asking myself questions about my negative feelings like, “but why? You gifted him something, and it’s his right to do what he wants with it.” and then in contrast I would then think, “Well that’s not the point of why I gave it to him,” and all these other troublesome and what I would consider rather embarrassing thoughts. Part of me felt ashamed for feeling some kind of way about it, but I couldn’t help that I did!
However, it was in these embarrassing thoughts that the Holy Spirit struck. Doesn’t MY good Father in heaven want to give me nice things too, especially when I ask for it?
“Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!” Matthew 7:9-12
So without knowing it, this strange but innocent interaction worked itself out in my heart, so that outwardly, nothing was ever appeared wrong – but inwardly, I was changed.
I still don’t really understand the roots of these thoughts that I initially had, but I know that in this moment, God used this to show me two things – something about His children, and then something about Him. Firstly, his daughter wouldn’t have gotten the pillowcase had she not asked. Oh, how important it is to ASK for what you want! It is truly our job in any relationship to speak up and ask for what we want. Often, I can’t quite pin the yucky feeling I have when asking for certain things – usually it’s those things that really matter and the rest is easier. Secondly, I realized that not only does my Father want to give me things that I ask for, but He really wants to give me nice things – generous things. Totally unnecessary things! He is SO generous when we are brave enough to ask.
Part of why I am writing about this, is because this is another layer or what I am still fighting to believe… which is that God cares to give me things that I ask for – the things I want, not just the things I need, and that my prayers matter! I have to fight to believe and trust that He wants to give me things I want, that I don’t need, but that are also, just nice.
I say this because it’s always a struggle for me to ask. Ask for a nice man to be in my life, this nice blessing of children, ask for a nice home, a nice job – or anything of the sort. Of course, that doesn’t mean we will totally get everything we ask for, but that’s not the point. The point is, that once we trust God’s heart that he wants to give us good things, we are more likely to pray it, have faith for it, and become more trusting and accepting when we don’t get what we want because we know that the answer isn’t always no… it’s MAYBE! Because the answer is MAYBE, and we can conclude that He generally does want to give us good things, then we can trust that there must be a good reason why He is NOT giving us something that we really want. It’s all about the perception in which we approach the throne of God.
This belief matters, because it’s part of what forms and allows intimacy with God to grow. Why would you share anything, or ask for anything at all or bother to communicate and be known if you didn’t believe what you said, or thought or wanted mattered? Often, when I think of if I should ask God for what I want, I think to myself, well shouldn’t I just be happy with what I have, or the cards I was dealt? In a sense, this just shames me into silence. Well, this verse comes to mind in response to those thoughts…
“Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” 1 Peter 5:7
Uh yeah. He cares about my bad hand of cards y’all. He just said it!
Overall, The Pillowcase Moment was a blessing, because one, it convicted me of a moment of my own selfishness, which as a parent or step-parent, I clearly needed – but it also taught me about God in a deeply profound way. God may not have blessed me with kids yet, but he has certainly allowed me to still learn from them. I have since met, and dated additional single fathers, and their kids are beautiful. Most of them have cats, which sadly I am allergic to (another one of those “Fathers like to give their children nice things” moments). Not to mention, my friends’ kids are beautiful, and I care deeply for them.
I have this other friend, and I think she is such a good mom. The parental generosity to me that I see with her always floors me. Sometimes I think it is too much, and I still don’t even really quite know why I think that. However, I then see other things she teaches them – responsibility, and emotional reflection – and then I ask, so what? Why not give them good things, and things they want? It’s not like they will get all they want, but why not give them these things? Why would you withhold any good from your children? When we think God is withholding something good from us, because we don’t trust that He wants good things, don’t we then act and respond poorly? Aren’t these just moments of building trust with her kids? Didn’t I act generous with a partner because they were generous with me? Don’t we love others because Christ died and loved us first? Don’t we teach empathy by showing empathy? So why not teach kids to be generous by being generous with them? We learn through behavior being modeled to us, through interactions with us from secure parents who have appropriate limits and boundaries, but most importantly – love.
From this very story I have shared though, I am clearly still fighting to believe that I can trust the things that matter to me, to matter to God, and it’s been a fight in the making. It’s a battle worth fighting I think, and I believe this is the same battle we often fight to trust eachother. Do we have eachother’s best interests at heart? Can we trust eachother with what is special to us? These are the same questions we work out with God. Here is what I know so far…
The figurative pillowcase matters. The nice pillowcase matters! I suppose I can rest on that! Literally.
More Than You Can Ask For Blog 